Jealousy

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This time last year I was pregnant. I didn’t know it yet, but little bean was there.

Every pregnancy announcement recently has me feeling so bitter and jealous. Famous people, friends of friends, random people… I’m 37 and am coming to the realisation that perhaps motherhood isn’t meant for me, that I’m not supposed to know how it feels, to have that love like no other… Maybe I’m just meant to be the auntie. … :thinking:

I always thought that I’d never get married, never have kids… But since finding my man (finding?? I’ve known him my whole life but only got serious five years ago) I’ve been thinking long and hard about becoming a mother… And honestly it’s only really since the ectopic last year that I’ve become obsessive over the thought. We’re not actively trying because it scares the crap out of me falling pregnant again. The innocence of that first pregnancy is lost on me now. I’ll be anxious for the what ifs for the rest of my fertile life!

Maybe it’ll happen for us, maybe it won’t… But the jealousy is hard to deal with when others announce their pregnancies… I want to feel happy for them and on the outside I am… But on the inside?? It’s really quite ugly… :unamused:

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I’ve felt the same for many years and surprisingly after telling myself those feelings are completely normal and most importantly acceptable, It became easier. I’m 4weeks post Ectopic surgery after a 2.5yr battle with IVF. Life can be cruel. I’m sending you love and comfort and hope all your dreams come true xx

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I completely understand how you feel. I am so jealous of all the announcements. I constantly feel it’s unfair & want to know why it can’t be my time?

I always think to myself I’d be … months by now; I drive myself crazy.

My ectopic was April & was my first pregnancy. We’ve recently started trying again but no luck yet; also so frustrating & unfair.

Just know you’re not the only one that feels that jealousy, I completely get it x

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Dear honeydrop9,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. I too hated seeing anything pregnancy related on the television and it just seemed to be everywhere. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.

I know how scary the thought of trying to conceive is after a loss. I remember being sad that the excitement of pregnancy was taken away after my loss too. It is absolutely normal to feel anxious about the future. We experience a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget or babies or experience, but we can learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead. In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes.

Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.

Help is also available if conceiving naturally has not yet been successful after some time trying - and the EPT advises that women under 35 should seek medical advice following 12 months trying to conceive and those over 35 should seek advice after 6 months.

Please be kind to yourself, you have been through a trauma, don’t be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. These boards are a safe space to share, ask questions, or to vent. They are filled with people who have been through similar experiences and journeys, and we are here for you for as long as you need.

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

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Thankyou so much for your replies and kind words of solidarity… It has helped me to know I’m not the only one who thinks in that way… The thing is, I’m fine most days, but remembering back to this time last year makes me sad. I try not to dwell but in the next breath I’m Overthinking it all again. Was it something I did? My guess is adhesions from my appendix scar had something to do with it… Anyway, two weeks until my period is due for me to be disappointed again… (Haha I promise I’m not this dour all the time!) Thanks again ladies, your words have been so helpful xxx