This is going to be the first time I’ve opened myself up to this extent of vulnerability!
5th Sept 19, the day that changed me!
We had spoken about having another baby for years so eventually we decided she would come off contraception and just allow nature do what it wants to do.
My wife started suffering some pain in her stomach after a few months, saw the doctor who said due to the medication she is on for previous injuries if it really starts hurting get up hospital. A couple of days or so after that she wants to go up so we drop kids to school and head up. Got there and explained about what the doctor had said and she goes straight through, guys come in do all the normal checks, ask all the normal questions, obviously 1 of them being ‘are you pregnant?’ obviously we answer no and explain, because of that they decide to do a test. 5 minutes later the doc comes in, I have some good news and some bad news and proceeds to explain…
I can never explain how you go from worried to delighted and then absolute devastation in such a short space of time, literally no longer than 5 seconds and I experience all those emotions in 1 hit, to say the ground went from under me is a hell of an understatement (pun not intended)
A friend of ours proved their worth as such with what they done, as soon as I told them they organised everything with the kids, was able to concentrate fully on the wife and myself. I doubt I would have eaten for 2/3 days had it not been for them, they forced food into me.
Since then my mental health that I have been struggling with for years took a serious turn for the worse, I was having visual and auditory hallucinations and since then my diagnosis has changed, as have I! My medication certainly seems to be helping with my hallucinations but I’ve grown colder, darker almost with the anger, dispair and frustration of the situation. I’m scared to try as I don’t want to go through anything like that again, my mental health seems like it’s getting worse despite the extra on my meds and I seriously contemplated suicide more than once.
I have been having some form of councilling considering the world’s state at the moment and possibly for the first time I can’t say if it’s helping at all and the worst thing for me is the fact I love my wife more than I could ever say but right this minute I can’t honestly say if I’m still IN love with her and that’s truly eating away at me as I don’t want to hurt her!
Sorry for the rambling, I’m not considering suicide at all in the last couple of months so I think some kinda healing/acceptance has happened, whichever way you want to see it but just this 1st year has been the worst year of my life so far.