I’m here trying to figure out of what I’m feeling is PTS or maybe hormone imbalance or grief or all three?
I had my third surgically removed ectopic pregnancy at the end of Jan (left tube) following a recent miscarriage in September.
Previous ectopics included right tube removal in 2016 and an ovarian ectopic pregnancy in 2020. I have been very lucky to have conceived my 3 year old son in 2021 in-between all of these losses.
Sadly, being familiar with the process and the loss, I felt that this time in January, I was coping as usual, I did stop work as I’m a consultant and has the flexibility to do so and had recovered well physically, but in the last few weeks I’ve become very anxious, constantly thinking about death, worrying about myself getting sick or my son getting sick, feeling panicked over simple tasks and threating death at simple occasions.
During my time in hospital this time, the treatment was quite appalling, I was left in a hospital ward sitting on a chair (as there were no beds) aware that I was internally bleeding and doctors changed shifts and the previous Dr had not provided any notes on me, leaving the staff confused as to why I was there and leaving me to explain everything over again to a duty Dr from the beginning and this was about 8 hours after being admitted. By this point any chance of surgery that night had gone and I was finally given a bed and told they would scan me again in the morning as they didn’t have any notes. My husband was told to leave. I really thought that night I might die, internally bleeding, alone, I wrote a letter to my son, I keep getting flashbacks of this moment and I think this is a big part of my current anxiousness.
My husband has always been by my side during all of this but this time I feel completely alone, helpless, confused and anxious, I realise I probably do need to speak to someone but I’m apprehensive to open up I suppose, given that I’ve always just got on with it, I feel I’m failing by being overly emotional and not able to manage.
If anyone has a similar experience, would really like to hear from you.
Dear Vix,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancies and losses. To experience one loss is difficult, dealing with multiple losses is heartbreaking and my heart goes out to you.
From your own words, I can imagine what a frightening experience this must have been and I am so sorry you went through this.
I had a similar experience of waiting for diagnosis and treatment as I was admitted on a saturday of a bank holiday weekend. I was kept on a drip and told I couldn’t eat or drink in in case I needed surgery until my scan on the Tuesday. It was the longest and most frightening time of my life. It was months after my ordeal that i struggled emotionally. I think I was initially preoccupied with hospital visits and physical recovery. Once this had settled, the enormity of it all began to play on my mind and i began to struggle emotionally. I did get counselling which helped a lot.
We have also had recent studies which show 30% of people who experience ectopic pregnancy go on to develop PTSD. Your experiences of flashbacks, health anxiety and worry would certainly fit into symptoms for PTSD.
I would recommend speaking to your GP surgery about referral and if you struggle actually saying the words out loud, can I suggest you take a copy of this post to let them read as you have written it down and expressed your feelings well here.
Can i also say, that you are absolutely, in no way, a failure. You say that you feel you should be getting on with it as you did after your previous losses, but it is the fact that you’ve had previous losses, that you received less than adequate care and you have a child and been through another life threatening emergency that makes it difficult to cope.
You are human and you have been through a terrible time. That in no way at all makes you a failure.
Some people also find that journaling, and writing down thoughts and feelings can help them make sense of it all.
Above all, you are not alone. You have friends here who understand. These boards are a safe space for you or we also offer email or telephone call services (details below). We will simply be here for you however you need, for as long as you need.
sending much love and gentle hugs,
Karen x
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Thank you, sincerely, for your reply. It has really helped knowing that someone understands and has been through a similar situation, I’m sorry to hear you had a painful long wait at the hospital, four days must have been absolute torture and I know the fear that even every hour brings at such a risky time.
Finding this website, reading your reply and the stories of all the other ladies has given me a much better understanding than I had a few days ago and made me feel far less alone and even taken my anxiety down a few notches, so thank you.
Next steps is reaching out to my GP, thank you for the advice of taking this post with me, I think that will help as I do struggle getting words out, especially when stressed.
I’m also going to try journalling, thank you for the advice. Feeling more hopeful!
Vix x
I am so sorry to hear about all your losses and traumatic experiences. It sounds like so much for one person to bear… I myself experienced two ectopic pregnancies and a missed miscarriage in my pregnancy journey so far, and it has been a tough ride.
I felt compelled to write you because therapy has been extremely important for my emotional recovery. Im not sure if you are familiar with this approach, but my counsellor uses a mix of speaking and somatic therapy. Somatic therapy, which from my understanding is more about relating to how emotions are expressed in your body, allowed me to work deeply on emotions without the constant need to re-tell traumatic events, but instead focusing on breaking down the trauma pathways through physical sensations. Im probably not doing a great job explaining the approach, but I would recommend you consider somatic therapy if you look for a counsellor to support you.
Wishing you all the best, and happy to chat further as helpful.
Thanks ever so much for your message.
Sorry to hear about your own trauma, I know how hard it can be.
I had never heard of somatic therapy until just reading your message so I will investigate. For me, it does feel as though as the medical/physical aspects are at the root of the problem so I think this would be a good option.
Thank you for taking the time to reach out, I really appreciate it and I’m sure it will help others too.
Really hope you continue your journey without having to experience any more losses, but do reach out if you ever want to talk. Xx
I’m glad to hear that sounds helpful! My therapist told me that somatic therapy was intended to treat trauma response, so hopefully can be helpful to you. I never was diagnosed myself, but also exhibited some symptoms consistent with PTS like you do.
Thanks for the nice thoughts. I am actually expecting at the moment (my fourth pregnancy, after 2 EPs and a missed miscarriage). Im 12 weeks and really hoping for a better outcome this time around.
I hope you can find someone that will help. Im still seeing my therapist regularly and it’s been instrumental ib my (ongoing!) recovery. Keep me posted on how you do and feel free to reach out any time.
I’m so pleased to hear your news, and you’ve reached the 12 week mark which is so promising and exciting. Please do keep in touch and let me know how you’re progressing.
I’ve started to reach out to a few somatic therapists and reading more about it, I really like the approach so I’m feeling hopeful, will let you know how I get on.
Best best wishes, and sending positive thoughts for a smooth and happy journey for the next 6 months for you .
Thanks, Vix. That’s much appreciated! Fingers crossed.
Glad to hear you’re reaching out - I really hope it’ll be helpful. Please do keep me posted on how it goes for you Those things are never linear, but it should hopefully be worth it for you too.
Let me know how it goes and how you get on. You deserve to feel better, I really hope this will be a gentle journey for you.
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Those things are never linear, but it should hopefully be worth it for you too.