I feel like I am killing my baby

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First time posting. After some light spotting the Sunday before last (28th), I had an early scan last Wednesday (31st). They could not find any sign of my baby, I was 6 weeks pregnant. After having my bloods done Wednesday, Friday, and again Sunday, my hgc levels kept rising. I had another scan yesterday, definitely no baby in the right place, and they think they can see baby hidden behind my ovary. But it can not be seen very clear to say for sure. My hgc had also increased again yesterday. Today I have seen the consultant and I am having methotrexate tomorrow. I completely understand the procedure, and why I am having it. This baby is not viable, it will not become the baby I had planned for to join our family (already blessed with a 5 year old and 2 year old).

But I just can’t shake the thought that that injection tomorrow is going to kill my baby. Even though its not even got as far as being a baby and never will. It just feels so wrong. I know I have to do it but it just feels like I shouldn’t be. Its mine. I made it. Its feeding off me. Yes so slowly that they don’t think it has a heartbeat yet and it would probably kill me before it did if left. But its there, starting out exactly as my other children did, just in the wrong place. And I am ending it. I completely know I have to do this and I can’t risk something happening to me by waiting any longer for nature, and it will never be a baby in my arms. But I honestly feel like I am a bad person for agreeing to this tomorrow.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? My partner and friends are being so supportive but I feel like I sound absolutely bonkers when I say letting them put that needle in me tomorrow feels like I am killing my baby :frowning:

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Hi

I’m so sorry for what your going through. I’ve recently had surgery to remove an eptopic pregnancy and I must have asked a thousand times if they could just move the egg into the right place, so your not silly for the thoughts you are having. I even talked to it before it was removed just to say goodbye but I wanted to hold onto it for as long as I could. You are being so brave for what you are going to do and just know that your health is the most important thing in order for you to heal. Wishing you well xxxx

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Hi Sarah,

I never got round to replying as I was rushed to hospital shortly after my post. Never needed the needle in the end. How are you doing? X

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Dear Loni,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

I understand how you feel, I also experienced great guilt with this. I know our heads tell us we have to do this and our babies wouldn’t develop properly and it can be life threatening to us, but our hearts feel otherwise.

All I can do is stress that you are not killing your baby and you are not Sending your pregnancy. The decision has been taken out of your hands by medical personnel to keep you safe. In time, These feelings do ease.

sadly there is nothing that could have been done to prevent this ectopic pregnancy from happening, I cannot emphasise, you are not to blame.

Be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally.

We will be here for you for as long as you need,

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

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Hi,

I am so sorry about your ectopic pregnancy news.

Your story sounds incredibly similar to mine and what i am going through currently. I completely understand these feelings you have described and i too am feeling them.

I had the methotrexate injection afew days ago and i keep having little random breakdowns about killing my baby, it’s my first pregnancy and its heartbreaking, the unknowns about the future, knowing it’s unsaveable and I’ll never get to meet him/her. Do you feel this too?

It’s reassuring knowing there are others experiencing similar. I really hope you are doing as well as can be expected given the circumstances. All the best for the future

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Hi loni,

How are you doing now?

I’m living an extremely similar situation and I’ve literally posted same heading for my question before reading yours. While it’s sad we all had to go through this, I’m happy to know that I am not crazy or dramatic, and my feelings are felt by other women going through this same experience.

Sending you hugs