Can still hear "the babies heart beat as stopped" !!

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I had a cervical ectopic pregnancy in February 2018 but just can’t cope still emotional and sad !!

I am still not sleeping properly and if I do fall asleep I hear the doctors voice on the Wednesday two days after having methotrexate injection “the babies heart beat as stopped” after having another scan before they would let me go home from being in hospital.

I can’t help put feel I signed the papers to let them kill my baby !! I keep trying to tell myself that if I didn’t it would of kept growing and it could of ruptured and killed us both, but just find it so hard !!

I have finally asked for help after my partner said you are so depressed you really need to see a councillor, but I haven’t told him that I feel so bad for letting them kill our baby and that it’s my fault.

I am waiting to have a urgent MRI scan because at the time of the ectopic I had a problem with my left ovary and they thought it had hemorrhaged but they didn’t know why, but since seeing the consultant and she said she can’t see a blood supply but I have to have a MRI scan to make sure for definite just in case it is something nasty, but they think it is endometriosis which is why I am in so much pain and sometimes look pregnant, so I think with this stress as well as my thoughts still it’s just to much.

I am sorry to put all this on here but I just want to see if any one else as felt like this and is there light at the end of the tunnel, because at the moment I just feel like it’s all down hill !!

I have an appointment to see a councillor on the 12th of June xx

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Dear Minimorris66,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

I truly understand how you feel. I was left feeling very for having methotrexate injection too, but as you have rightly said, we had no choice.

After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. There are a number of avenues that you could look into to get the help that you need.

You will need space to process what has happened and it can feel isolating. With us here at the Trust, we have been through similar experiences and I can understand how lonely it feels. You have a friend here and please do continue to lean on us for as long as you need.

I am pleased to see you have a date for counselling. We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn’t our fault.

From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself and I send you gentle hugs.

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

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Hi Karen

Thank you for getting back to me I really appreciate it !!

What other options do I have ?? My councillor has cancelled until the 25th June instead !

I just can’t see it ever getting easier and people just don’t under stand some people say well may be you can just try again now!

My sister had a miscarriage a few years ago now and she keeps saying I know how you feel, but it’s been a few months now so may be it’s time to just forget now and get on with it and may be start trying again I feel so angry about it !!

I just can’t get on with it and forget !!

Someone said a miscarriage is very different to a ectopic because with a miscarriage it all goes and hormones but with a ectopic it is a much longer process.

I know it will take time but it just don’t seem to be feeling easier at all, I wish I could make myself understand that it wasn’t my fault but I just can’t it’s hard to explain !!

It may be easier to give you my email address as I just can’t talk about it on the phone I will just cry and cry!M

My email address is minimorris66@hotmail.co.uk

Thank you so much xx