How to cope?

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My first pregnancy was an ectopic. Methorexate on the 21st of June and my last HCG check was 98 a few days ago so I’m still technically dealing with this physically.

Emotionally I have gone through the stages of grief pretty well. I was angry and sad and in denial and everything.

What I am struggling with is the fact that I essentially had to kill a child I wanted, a child my husband and I actively tried for. Granted, it was kill it or be killed by it, but… I don’t know. I have had few women share their miscarriage stories and say that while they felt sad and guilty, their bodies ultimately knew that the baby wasn’t viable yadda yadda yadda… but that’s not how it is for ectopic… my body is the one that fucked up. it could have been a healthy beautiful baby if my body didn’t implant in the wrong place.

I know that its extremely rare, but there HAVE been a handful cases of ectopics ending up with a healthy baby, and some cases where the ectopic is misdiagnosed and was [in the uterus after all. What if mine was one of those and I could have saved him/her? I know it is extremely rare but I was a rare case of ectopic anyways where I had no other risk factors.

Or even… maybe I should have died or maybe shouldn’t have children. This could be my body’s way of telling me to not have children. I just… I don’t know. The fact that I had to kill it is getting to me.

I have a therapy appointment in a few days but my old therapist retired and this new one is a man. While I’ve got nothing against men, I’m not too hopeful that he will understand what it is like to be pregnant, let alone deal with ectopic.

I guess I don’t have any questions, just needed someone who has been through it to understand.](https://abcnews.go.com/Health/w_ParentingResource/baby-born-deformed-misdiagnosed-ectopic-pregnancy/story?id=15421441)

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Dear sayrian,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. There are a number of avenues that you could look into to get the help that you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling, especially if you do not feel your new counsellor will be understanding.

We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself and I send you gentle hugs. x

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

The latest EPT newsletter is out now! You can take a look at the Winter edition and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

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Hi,

I don’t have any words of wisdom to cope but just wanted to say everything you have said is exactly how I feel. We’re 3 weeks on and I’m still really struggling

I hope you start to feel better and just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

X

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Thanks so much to both of you.

I sent to my counselor and liked him but now I’m on vacation with my siblings.

I was doing so well, so good emotionally, and… Then my sister drops the bombshell that she is pregnant and my sister in law is too. They are both eleven and twelve weeks, respectfully. I would have been nine weeks… We would have all been pregnant together… Sigh

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It’s so hard, I really feel for you and understand, 2 of my close friends just had their second babies. I’ve seen one of them but can’t face the other.

Hope things are getting better for you. xx