How should I feel?

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1

Hi Everyone

I’m Gemma, new to this group, I have joined as no one I know has been through an ectopic pregnancy.

From the beginning, in July I found out I was pregnant, my husband and I were both excited, at the end of August we went on holiday, I didn’t drink, stayed cool, didn’t eat anything I shouldn’t and why wouldn’t I, I was carrying a little baby. When we came home I was 8 ish weeks so we decided to go private for an early scan. Ben couldn’t come so I went alone, this is when it all started to go wrong, no heartbeat, I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage and sent to EPU at the hospital. They made me wait 10 days I got to 9 and the baby started to leave my by itself. Heartbroken.

I picked myself up and we decided to try again. I had a period and then what I thought was another period. Didn’t think anything of it. On Friday 7th December I collapsed, was rushed into A&E, they first thought it was my appendix but a urine and then blood test both came back positive. I was sent to gynaecology. The junior doctor on duty did lots of tests but was unable to do a scan, I was sent home with pain relief and told to go back for a scan and more bloods on Sunday. My bHCG was rising but my bowel was covering my right Fallopian tube and ovary, I was sent away and told to return on the Tuesday. I went in Tuesday and there in my right tube was the pregnancy, I was getting pain in my chest, this was from what they called free fluid (blood) as I wasn’t what they deemed as unwell they sent me home to return Thursday. I was technically a ticking time bomb. What I thought was a period the month before doesn’t look like it was. Thursday came I had another set of bloods and a scan, the pregnancy was 2.5cm, my tube was very compromised and I was in lots of pain, particularly in my upper chest and shoulders. The consultant was very to the point and said we are operating as an emergency your tube is rupturing. I lost my right tube that day. Physically my recovery has been okay but my stitches are yet to dissolve. Mentally is a whole new story. I am not my usual self, my mood is low and my temper is quick. I can’t stop thinking of what might have happened if they didn’t operate but what might have happened if I hadn’t lost the first miscarriage or if this baby had made it to the uterus. I feel tormented but I don’t know if this is normal? How am I supposed to feel? When will my heart start to piece itself back together? I’m a lost soul. If you read all of this then thank you I’m sorry I’m wittered on. Part of me feels a relief to say it all out loud. Gemma. :frowning:

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You’ve been through a trauma. A month after discharge and 8 weeks of monitoring and passing the baby and tissue slowly over that time and I’ve needed a month off because I’m snappy, I burst into tears when simple things go wrong, I wanted to punch the sofa when metro bank wouldn’t update my telephone number, I’m erratic about decisions one day I’m doing x about a plan I have and tomorrow or a few hours later it’s yz

What I can say is this is now fewer and far between but at first I had about 5 days of feeling totally in SHOCK. Once the physical danger had passed where I’d been on autopilot for 2 months risking surgery and chemo jab all the time, I then was flooded with relief for surviving, grief bc my fertility is now on guaranteed, terrified I nearly fell down a well of bad health, a failure that I’ve had to take time off work and am not over it by now, all that stuff as well as guilt I don’t feel more connected to the loss as a baby, guilt that other people have suffered more than me by having surgery (whereas I had expectant management, 8 weeks of good and bad news every 48hrs and emergencies that just miss surgery).

It’s natural to feel lost. I’m also on the miscarriage association board and it’s just so common to feel like this and with ectopic we have experienced even more potential risk!

You’re totally normal. For me, hibernating has helped, limiting contact to the very close and being off work for a period as I couldn’t do social work and ‘give’ when I was lost. I’m still quite lost and not 100% but it does slowly get better. On the other board a lot people say they wish they they had given themselves time. Allow yourself to feel awful shocked guilty crap relieved etc. Talk to the helpline if needed. Read people’s stories. You’re not alone

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There’s no right way to feel at times like these. All you can do is survive and slowly start thinking about the future. Try not to torture yourself with the what ifs. Is sad to read yr story where you have had 2 things happen. I have also had two different things go wrong and it’s just so hard to understand why that happens when you have friends who are pregnant in their 1st month of trying :evil:

Use the waiting time to do nice things massages, walks, sleeping! Spend time with yr OH. I had a few days when I’d get distraught and rang the Drs or the helpline. Now I feel better for a few weeks then will randomly cry in the car or when running. Hopefully 2019 will be much better! And we will appreciate everything much more! Xx

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Dear Gemma,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and losses,

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body’s signals and pain and feeling tired are your body’s signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.

There is no timeframe for recovery, allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally.

These boards are a safe space to share, ask questions, or to vent. They are filled with people who have been through similar experiences and journeys, and we are here for you for as long as you need.

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

The latest EPT newsletter is out now! You can take a look at the Winter edition and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

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So sorry to read your message. It made me well up, but strangely just reading that other people feel the same way as I do in this horrid time gives me a bit of comfort. I feel like nobody I know will understand how I feel, and like because it was only 6.5 weeks along it doesn’t feel like I should still be upset.

I keep saying to myself that I am allowed to feel however I feel that day, I don’t want to try and push feelings away and pretend all is ok because it makes it harder in the long term.

Luckily I am back at work which helps because I can be “work me” but the weekends I am finding really hard.

My best friend fell pregnant at the same time as I did, she’s exactly the number of weeks along I would have been, so I’m finding it hard even being with my friends.

Sending you all my best thoughts and hopes for a happier future xxx

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Thank you everyone. I have thrown myself back into everyday life but the scars on my stomach and the ache in my heart are still there. I do need to be kinder to myself, as does every lady who goes through this. I read the messages on this forum and it makes me a little more comfortable knowing how kind people out there are and want to try and help. No one I know has been through an ectopic pregnancy so I can’t talk to anyone. Thank you to everyone who has replied for your kindness. Gemma xx