Help or advice please.

Men's Space
1

I’m not entirely sure how to start this post, I suppose I’m just looking for some help, advice and understanding if possible.

Me and my wife have been trying for our first child, and were obviously over the moon when we got our first positive test back. It wasn’t an out the box positive test - there was some initial bleeding, and we were told by a GP that a miscarriage was on the cards. We got referred to the local Early Pregnancy Unit who ran blood tests. Whilst waiting for the results, my wife found more blood and we were told to go straight to A&E. Although she had cramps and some spotting, the HCG levels were going up so we were full of hope.

We were referred for an early scan, and although it was obviously early, we were then put in the realms of pregnancy with an unknown location. More bloods were run, and the HCG dropped - we were told to now expect a miscarriage and had four days to wait until the next blood tests. On the next round of bloods, the HCG had shot up and we went back to the Early Pregnancy Unit for another scan on their recommendation. Full of hope, we were crushed to be told it was an ecoptic.

We went back less than 24hrs later for a follow up, and my wife was immediately admitted for surgery. That day was truly traumatic - we had gone from expecting to see our first baby to losing it within 36 hours.

My wife is now recovering from surgery, and I am doing my best to support her whilst she is on bed rest. I am scared about going back to work and trying to cope with the support my wife needs, and that’s without me having to give her daily injections.

Whilst knowing the physical recovery is in hand, I feel pretty scarred by the whole event, and can tell it will always stay with me. We are desperate to have children and start a family, and it now feels very far away after the ordeal we have been through.

How have others in this situation handled going back to work whilst caring for their partners? How did you feel about starting to try again? For anyone who was successful, how did you manage any anxieties that came with that pregnancy?

I would appreciate anyone that would take the time to respond to this, so I can try and figure out how we can handle everything that has happened now and potentially in the future.

Thanks,

Ben

2

Dear Ben,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. From your own words I can imagine how scary this must’ve been and I’m sorry you’ve both had to go through this.

I can imagine it must be daunting thinking of going back to work and leaving your wife however I would suggest talking to her about the needs and support she requires. You may find she feels stronger than you thought to continue in her own way. Also are there any friends and family close who could help out. If you are not ready to return to work, or feel as a partnership you are not ready to return to work, please speak to your GP to arrange further time off as needed.

It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We generally feel a mix of emotions from wanting to try again, to being petrified of what might lie ahead. We never forget, but we learn to accept what has happened. It is a slow process that might be months ahead. In time we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When is this is individual for each couple. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes.

Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of the previous ectopic pregnancy. This self referral route is the best route in our view however, if you are unable to self refer contact your GP who will be able to do this for you. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you’re under the radar of medical professionals right away.

The chances of a further ectopic after the first in the UK is 10%. So that’s 90% chance of the embryo being in the right place next time.

While it is generally possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex among other things. It may be comforting to know that 65% of women are successfully pregnant within 18 months of experiencing ectopic pregnancy and some studies suggest this rises to around 85% after two years.

You will need space to process what has happened and it can feel isolating. With us here at the Trust, we have been through similar experiences and can understand how lonely it feels. You have friends here and please do continue to lean on us for as long as you need.

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

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