Hello,
My story begins…My partner and I had been trying for a baby for one year, and after deciding to relax up a little on all the OPK testing, BBT recordings and generally obsessing, we were super surprised to find out I was pregnant. Cue jubilation all round. At 5 weeks gone, I started to get a very light pink stain on the tissue paper when I wiped after peeing. The Midwife I’d been assigned but not yet met, was, through, text messaging, very supportive and told me not to worry. A few days later there was red blood spotting on the paper, again I was told not worry too much but of course I did. Then I began to bleed lightly, on and off pink, light pink, nothing, red, nothing. I took time off work convinced I was going to miscarry. I called my doctor who said yes indeed it sounded like I was miscarrying, to stay at home for now. A few days later the pain began. Intense, the worst pains I’d ever felt, not cramping, not “like period pains”, this was severe abdominal pain, I was in agony, I was scared and my partner was scared. The problem for us is we live on a small island with no medical care. So if, like we did, you call 999, the first responders are alerted and then the paramedic will come by boat from the main island if needed. Now luckily for us they were already attending to a call so they all came within the hour and checked my vitals, all fine, and yes it was more than likely a miscarriage. I called the Doctor again who said I could get a scan on the Mainland the very next day. We booked helicopter flights, (fastest way to get off our island) and the following day we got to the EPU at hospital, in our hire car. They did a pregnancy test, positive, and then an internal ultrasound. They told me the could not see the pregnancy, could not see the sac. Of course I was in shock and crying at this point, I was told that it could be ectopic and they gave me a leaflet about Pregnancy of Unknown Location. They took my bloods to monitor my HGC. They told me to return in 48 hours for more bloods. We had packed lightly expecting to be returning home with a miscarriage diagnosis and so we had to travel 45 miles to stay with my partners family. 48 hours later we travelled back to the hospital for more bloods, the HCG levels were dropping but extremely slowly. They told us to come back 48 hours later for more bloods. Back to his families house, and back to the hospital we went. Again the HCG level was dropping slowly. I was told to return in 7 days and to stay on the mainland incase I was ectopic. So we stayed with his family while I was in pain and bleeding, stressed and worried and with none of our creature comforts. During that time my pain increased and decreased, I bled continually, slowly, sometimes light, sometimes a little heavier but never strongly. I considered going home to deal with this in the privacy of my bed, with my own toilet, my own space. But we knew it could be risky if I needed urgent medical care and I was home on a tiny island with no immediate medical care. 7 days later I was back, they took my bloods and I requested an internal scan, the pain was increasing, I was drained and tried and wanted answers. I could tell by the face of the doctor scanning me that something was wrong. she explained there was a visible mass 5cm /3cm /3.8cm in my left Fallopian tube, emergency surgery was needed asap, so they could perform a Laparoscopy to see for sure what was happening. My partner was not allowed in the hospital because of the Covid restrictions so I started this part of the journey alone. Soon I was going in for my surgery, the surgeon had talked through all the possible outcomes, and I signed the consent forms. Upon awakening I was told that the pregnancy was ectopic, had grown in my last Fallopian tube, had burst, I was bleeding internally and my left tube and the pregnancy had been removed as well as the clots of blood that were outside of my uterus from the internal bleeding. I was in shock and pain, I was given lots of pain relief and looked after at the hospital for 24 hours by an amazing care team. The next day I was allowed to leave. I had only been able to communicate to my partner by phone, and so he came to collect me and we drove to his family’s house to rest and the following day we drove 64 miles to take a helicopter back home, all okayed by the surgeon and finally 16 days after this ordeal began I was home. Now the pain and the recovery of my body has taken over most of my feelings, when I thought I was miscarrying I was distraught but as soon as I heard it could be ectopic I’ve been on autopilot, knowing the danger to my own health, something had taken over and now I’m home I just can’t seem to cry, can’t seem to acknowledge what has happened. I feel completely numb and I just want to heal emotionally and start to process this awful experience but I can’t. Has anyone else blocked this out like this? Its not what I want - I want to process it now, while I am home, off work, while I can be alone and cry but I just can’t seem to. I feel numb. Totally numb. I don’t seem to be able to realise how much danger I was in. I am so so sad that I am not pregnant anymore. We were so happy when we found out and that excitement and joy is just gone. Its seems so unfair. And now they tell me I have around a 60% chance to conceive again with a 10% risk of another ectopic. I’m so scared to try again, to risk even putting us through this pain again, what if I miscarry, what if we lose it again, what if I lose my other healthy Fallopian tube. So many what if’s. So for now I will lay in my bed and feel numb and try to find support on this group and read others stories from women who have gone through this awful awful, cruel, unfair ordeal.