Hi everyone
I need to post as I feel soo alone. No one in the real world understands what I am feeling and that they give me the impression I should be moving on/my feelings are made up/I am indulging in self pity. So I am posting here because maybe someone somewhere understands.
I had an ectopic in March 2013. A much wanted 1st pregnancy. Due date was close to my mothers birthday who is no longer with us. The pregnancy was in my Fallopian tube and ruptured resulting in loss of pregnancy and tube. I have no tubes now as ovarian cyst took the other tube and ovary. I was advised IVF would be needed for me to become a mum. I was too fat for NHS IVF. I have since lost 4 and a half stone so now could be referred but I need antidepressants to cope. So need to get better so I can stop antidepressants and am continuing to lose a little more then IVF could be a possibly. My husband is unsure about IVF but won’t consider any other routes to become parents. I really want to be a mum. Everyone everywhere is pregnant or has newborns. I am so jealous of them as I want that so much. Friends don’t seem to realise how much the I am pregnant conversations/posts, I am so happy to be pregnant, look at my newborn hurts me. I know they have not been through this hurt and if I hadn’t I would probably be the same. I wish I was able to hug my baby like they can. I keep seeing baby’s first Christmas clothing and think I could have been buying that. It feels like my life has leapt from one crisis to another in the last few years, where I have needed to be strong and now. I am a completely broken person.
I have been waiting for counselling since July as I recognise I need this to help me. I am just managing to go to work. Me and my husbands relationship is getting more strained as he doesn’t understand and it must be hard for him to see his wife like this.
Hi Angelica - so sorry you have had this awful experience and are feeling so terrible. I just wanted to chip in on the IVF front. Obviously it’s expensive - but if you can get past that it’s really not a bad option. I met my husband late in life and so we didn’t manage to get pregnant on our own. I did a couple of rounds of IVF with my own eggs - but I didn’t find the needle in the haystack (a good egg). I wasn’t wild about the idea of IVF to start with - but once I had been to the clinic and met the doctors & nurses I rather changed my mind. They are extremely supportive and the atmosphere at my clinic is calming, private and it’s a nice place to be. You feel very supported during the whole process.
I said all along that I was only interested in my own eggs & would never consider donor eggs. Well - I changed my mind. And it worked the first time - unfortunately it was EP - however I have some embryos frozen & so will be trying again next month.
Many congratulations on losing such an amazing amount of weight - I think you must be a pretty strong-minded person to have managed that!
At least once you start the IVF process you feel like you are doing something towards your goal (and there is a team of people working to help you achieve it - and it feels quite personal/supportive and not about the money). I warn you now the absolute worst part is the two week wait between embryo transfer & finding out if you are pregnant - I bet that seems like the least of your worries right now!!. Don’t worry at all about the earlier bits - although it is a bit of a roller coaster it’s actually quite fun as you are working towards something and doing something positive. Plus there is stuff for your husband to do like the injections - again - I quite looked forward to this as it was couple time focused towards doing something for us. I hope this gives you hope (as your chances of a successful pregnancy using IVF are actually pretty high) - and makes the process seem less scary to you.
Thanks for taking the time to respond Corinnek.
Hi Angelica
Sweetheart you sound so overwhelmed at the moment - there is so much going on in your mind. I hope the antidepressants help and you can being to make some order from the chaos and work your way through. I was completely overwhelmed by the thought of IVF so much so that I put it off for years and when I finally got round to doing it it worked first time and I have a wee boy. I suffered with depression but anti-depressants sorted me out quite quickly luckily. I know when you are feeling so down it is hard to imagine that you could ever have a “success story” - but to me success is not having a baby, it’s finding a way to be happy with the cards life has dealt you. I found a way to be happy with no children for many years before (on a whim) we did IVF (I had the luxury of time as we started trying when I was early twenties). It was not a case of being miserable and a baby being the only answer. Maybe counselling will help you to look in a different way at things eventually.
March isn’t that long ago, you don’t need to be fixed yet, you don’t need to have got over it yet. Goodness my EPs were in 2003 and 2005. All I can say is that I promise things will not always seem so bad as they are right now and I do not say that flippantly at all.
You have done a fantastic job in losing so much weight with everything going on, well done, all the steps you are taking, losing the weight, looking after your mental well-being, all of this is helping you get to your goal (whatever that ends up being) and is just as important as any medical things you will need to do too.
Angie xxx
Hi Angelica,
We are so sorry you have suffered an ectopic pregnancy and have now lost both fallopian tubes. On the forum we understand how you are feeling and are here for you whenever you need us.
Your feelings are so normal. The most common comments we hear are that people feel alone and are expected to move on when emotions are still so raw for them. Most also find themselves getting jealous when hearing about and seeing pregnant women and feel guilty for feeling that way.
Even with all of this horrendous stuff going on in your life you are being so strong and brave. You have lost 4 and half stone to make yourself qualify for NHS IVF and have given yourself a further weightloss goal. You have also recognised that you need counselling and are taking antidepressants to help you.
If you are concerned that the counselling could take a long time to come through because of a long waiting list then there may be a branch of Mind in your local area where you could get counselling free or for a nominal fee depending on your personal circumstances. http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/
Best wishes,
EPT Host 13
Thanks Angie and Host 13.
Angie, that’s also why I want counselling as if I am not able to have children I need to know there are others things that are important in my life. I have lost that perspective at the moment.
Host 13, thanks for your response, it’s so hard when in the real world people just don’t get it.
Today I feel a little bit better in myself and everyone’s comments are part of the reason for that as you have given me hope of better times whatever they may be.
Thank you.
Hi again
I read quite a few books on childlessness, being ‘childfree’, life after infertility, that sort of thing. You might have to search around (there’s plenty of books on how to improve your fertility, how to help yourself have a baby! guide books to IVF! not a lot to read if none of that works…). Some books I found were not my cup of tea (a bit too “kids are annoying!”), some were exactly what I was looking for, it’s very personal, but I found everything I read useful on some level, even if it helped me figure out “actually no i DON’T feel like that” on some things.
Perhaps it’s worth exploring some reading material while you wait for counselling.
Look after yourself 
Angie xx