I had an injection of methotrexate on Friday to treat my ectopic pregnancy, I was a day shy of seven weeks.
I just keep thinking how I’m carrying a baby that’s dying inside of me, and that I will be until it’s dead and has left my body.
Today I went past crying and totally lost my temper, had a panic attack and shouted and screamed until my throat was raw. I just want to kick and punch something.
Dear Lilyflower,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
I completely understand that it is difficult thinking about loosing our babies, whilst I do not wish to upset you,
with methotrexate treatment, when the pregnancy is ended, the whole pregnancy sac including any cells that might have eventually grown into a baby is usually reabsorbed by the mother. This happens because it is our own DNA and cellular material.
I am afraid it is difficult to predict how long it will take for your hormone levels reach non-pregnant levels. As we are all individual, our bodies respond differently to the drug and it depends on factors like how high levels reached and our unique physiology. What I can say is that it can take a number of weeks and, while it can take some time, it is not as invasive a procedure as surgery. Also, in terms of chances of future successful pregnancies, studies do not show a significant difference between treatment routes, whether surgical, medical using methotrexate or expectant management (allowing time for the body to resolve the pregnancy itself).
One of the side effects to methotraxate treatment is fatigue and many feel very tired and are shocked by the exhaustion they experience through treatment. The impacts of the drug are on top of an already immense ordeal - the diagnostic process of ectopic pregnancy, regular visits to hospital, loss of a pregnancy which all take their toll physically and emotionally and is very understandable and normal to feel the way you do.
Please be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve to heal both physically and emotionally.
We are here for you for as long as you need,
Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x
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Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk
Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.
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Sorry for your loss.
I went through an ectopic pregnancy last October which was treated with methotrexate. Like you, I went through some insanely intense anger. In truth, I stayed angry for months. It’s been just over 16 weeks and I’m finally managing the anger better.
It’s okay to feel what you feel. It is part of the process of dealing with grief. With time, you will begin to heal. I journaled a lot and had someone to share my feelings with. That helped some, but ultimately you just have to take one day at a time.