Anxiety

[Sunny80]

Hi everyone, I could so with some reassurance/someone to talk to.

I had an ectopic pregnancy last November which ruptured, and I had emergency surgery to have my left tube removed. After the surgery I was told I had a large dermoid cyst on my ovary. I had surgery again in December to remove it which was unfortunately unsuccessful due to adhesions around it. Had a third operation, this time open surgery, in April this year, and the cyst and my ovary were both removed.

Sadly my right fallopian tube is not normal and is a stump- so to sum things up, I have two stumpy tubes, and one ovary, and no chance of getting pregnant naturally. I have also recently been told I have adenomyosis in my uterus. (endometriosis inside the uterus). So I am a bit of a mess really, but I have one ovary that works, which is good. I’m going to have my first IVF consultation at the beginning of July, am excited about this, after the last 6 months of bad news and operations, things are starting to look up.

My concern is my anxiety levels, sometimes I feel like I am going mad. I am terrified of having another ectopic pregnancy, i’ve been told that I have a 1 in 10 chance of it happening again (apparently an embryo can implant in the tube stumps?) I worry that I will fail at IVF and will end up feeling even more worthless than I do already. I worry about dying, or my loved ones dying. When I had the ectopic in November I thought I was going to die, and that fear still controls me. I think the continuing surgery magnified this fear. I worry that the IVF drugs will harm me or that I will get OHSS and die. I have such irrational anxiety levels at times that I can’t sleep and feel sick or my heart just races. I feel like such a failure in myself as a woman and am scared if IVF fails I am going to lose all sense of self worth. I feel so bad for my husband, like I have let him down/my family down and if IVF doesn’t work it will be all my fault.

I feel very ashamed to say such awful depressing things but need to let my feelings out, I have tried to talk to friends but they just say things like ‘you’re having IVF now, things are going to work out’, they don’t understand. My husband just worries for me and I feel so guilty when I have one of my turns. I have been to a counsellor but have stopped going as I didn’t feel it helped as she did not offer any sort of advice or coping strategies for the anxiety/irrational thoughts. I am just so scared but I want to feel stronger. If anyone is or has been in a similar situation please do get in touch. Feel like I am alone here. Or if anyone knows of a counselling service that deals with ectopic/fertility related issues in particular, please share.

Sorry for such a self centred rant, any suggestions, advice, or coping strategies would be gratefully received… Thank you xxx

[Snickers1]

Hi,

I am sorry for the anxiety you have been having. You have been going through a stressful time so it is completely understandable why you would be worried.

The only thing I can tell you and I hope it helps some is to focus on the positive. You are going to your IVF appt soon. That is going to raise your chances of having a baby remarkably! This is wonderful news.

I am like you and I think worst case scenario about everything, but we (including me in this comment) need to think of the positives. Look at all those individuals that have had complications like us, and have families now. Even though I assume the “what if’s” will always be in our mind…the life’s treasures that come we need to cherish and not worry so much on the what if’s.

A positive you have to reflect on is your IVF consultation and you have an ovary. This is a great positive due to you still have doors open for you to have babies.

My best advice (I’m not an expert), is keep pursuing your dreams like you are doing by having this consultation. Keep talking about your situation. The events that happened to you are understandable of why you have so much anxiety, but talk through it.

It will still hurt when you think about it, however slowly you will be able to accept what happened. It just is really hard until that actually happens.

Hope my response helps some. This is just my opinion in what I have done for myself to help me.

[nicola1986]

I am exactly the same.im waiting for cbt for post traumatic stress.have you discussed what your going through with your gp?xx

[EPT_Host_7]

Dear Sunny80

Well done for sharing your feelings and worries, it isn’t always easy to admit when we are very scared about things. And I just want to say that it is not surprising that you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment - it sounds like you have had a really really tough time over the past 6 months and been through a huge amount. So please do not worry or beat yourself up about how you feel - it is understandable.

However, it sounds like you do need to find a way of processing and coping with the fallout of what has happened so that you are able to live your life again. I know you did not find counselling helpful, but sometimes it takes a little while to get to solutions in counselling or sometimes you need to try a few counsellors to find someone you click with. Maybe you could try another counsellor. You may also get help from your GP, especially if you explain the panicked feelings you are having. GPs should be able to help their patients who are suffering from anxiety and stress, so please do push yours for advice. If they are dismissive, perhaps try to see another GP in the practice.

There is no way in which you are to blame for what has happened. Please do not think this. Ectopic pregnancies and cysts - these are things that just happen and they aren’t about blame. I know it can be very hard but please try to take things one step at a time with the IVF process and don’t spend too much energy worrying about it not working or blaming yourself. You have been through a lot and you need to be kind to yourself. Please do also use these boards as a way of connecting with people who do understand what you have been through.

Be kind to yourself

Host 7

xx

[Sunny80]

Thanks so much for your replies, it really helps to know there is someone out there who understands. I’ve just been away for a week with my husband which has helped so much, just to get away from everything and just have time to concentrate on us and no one else. It has made me feel so much better! I do agree that I need to be more positive and believe that there will be a happy ending to all of this, it is so hard to believe sometimes though.

I have made some positive decisions in life regarding my career which is exciting, so this gives me a positive goal to focus on, and makes me feel happy. I guess it is so easy for fertility problems to become all consuming, so its good to have other dreams and goals too. I’ve also chosen not to attend any more baby related outings because I ended up crying in the toilets at the last one and it’s just something selfish I have to do, for my own well being!

The IVF clinic offers counselling so will start this again alongside the fertility treatment.

I’m so grateful for your replies, it means the world to have support from people who understand. Thank you. Sending you all big hugs. xxx