Alone in grief

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1

Hey everyone

Just after some advice really and see if anyone else is feeling them same as me, totally alone in my greif.

I suffered an ectopic pregnancy and had surgery and the removal of my right tube just little over two weeks ago so i know it’s early days.

My partner has been incredible, hes not a man of many words but hes just been there when i have a cry there is a hug and a few wrods of how it will all be ok, this at first i was so grateful for and i didnt mind that he had not really shown any emotion over what had happened where i felt like my whole world had fell apart.

As time is moving on and i am not crying everyday hes been quick to focus on other things, like a holiday and it’s all he talks about and trivial things that leave me feeling like i have bigger things to deal with right now i am not intrested in our holiday right now and i am just finding it hard, i am trying to be patient with him as i can understand it’s not the same for him as it would be for me, but it’s making me feel like i am being dramatic or the things i want to do to honor my pregnancy are OTT or i am starting to feel like i can’t talk about it to him, and he hasnt even said anything to make me feel like that he will say " you have to do what you have to do to help" but i guess i am struggling with the fact he seems unpahsed by the baby loss although concerned about me.

it’s hard and wondering if anyone else has felt like this and how to approach it

thank you

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I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’re feeling alone. Sending you a massive hug, please know you’re not alone and you’re also not being dramatic. Like you’ve said to me on my post, this is a trauma and you need to be kind to yourself.

I think its can be really hard for husbands to watch their partner go through such a tough time and not be able to do anything about it. I had a long chat with my husband last night about how he is doing as similarly to your husband, whilst he was initally upset he is now just getting on with life (although taking the lead in everything including looking after our toddler) so he kind of has to. He was very upset initally at the loss of our pregnanacy, but he explained to me that throughout the ordeal, his main worry and upset was and is still about me and knowing I’m going to be OK.

Unfortunately it’s us that go through the pregancy, the loss of that pregancy in such a brutal way and all the hormones and emotions that go with it, including all the plans we’ve made in our head about the future (that’s where my main grief currently is) and by that nature I feel dads are naturally a little more detached, but I don’t think it means they don’t care. I know my husband, whilst reluctant at first, sent a text to a few friends outlining what has happened before going to the cricket with them last weekend. I thought it was important for him to go (as my parents were able to care for me and my toddler) and I know him being able to go and be “normal” after an awful week and then talk about it with a few friends was really good for him.

My only advice is to be as open and honest as you can be with him about how you’re feeling whilst also knowing everyone grieves in their own time and way. Sending you again lots of love xx

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Hi Forgetmenot25,

I am so sorry to hear that you have suffered this ectopic pregnancy and loss. You’ve been through so much, and I will do my best to help. Women and men process and communicate grief in different ways. Many women share these stories with us, and my experience was similar. My husband was scared of losing me, and he was less focused on the baby. It was something that I needed to journal about in order to keep letting him know where I was at. Keeping communication open is important.

The trauma of an ectopic pregnancy is both physical and emotional, and it takes time to sort through each of these. There is no set timeline for recovery, and every woman will experience it in her own way. The most important thing right now is to look after yourself and give yourself space for this healing. You must know that there was nothing you did to cause an ectopic pregnancy, nor, sadly, anything we can do to prevent it. Journaling and talking are both valuable ways to process this experience. There is new research evidence that PTSD is also an outcome of suffering an ectopic pregnancy.

We operate a helpline service, and there’s no pressure whatsoever. However, if you would ever like the opportunity to speak with someone who has been through a similar experience, please feel free to call. Details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely, and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can discuss the ordeal you’ve been through and express your feelings to vent and release some steam. We can exchange emails, too, if you prefer that route.

Also, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help, and this can include referrals for “talking therapies” or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services. The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes for free. You can find your local centre at: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

No matter what, we are here for you whenever you need us. Please know you are not alone and take all the time you need to look after yourself and recover. We are here for you whenever you want to talk.

With good wishes,

Michele

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.