Advice needed please

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I only just had an ectopic pregnancy what resulted in me having my right tube out. To make it worse they done surgery twice. The first was key hole and the didn’t find anything. The second they found out I had an allergic reaction from my first surgery and hadn’t realised and all my bowels and organs had twisted and stuck together and that I needed my right tube out as I was eptopic. It’s resulted in me now having a scar from above my belly button down to my pelvis held together by staples along with the keyhole scars, and I’m now unable to pick up my 6 months son for 6 weeks or even a kettle not including the 2 weeks I couldn’t pick him up after the first surgery. Firstly I’m really struggling with watching everyone who has been amazing look after him as before now he’s never spent a night or even an hour without me, secondly I get scared we will lose our bond and he will become dependent on someone else and thirdly I get scared I’ll start to close off as it feels like I’m just laying here watching everyone else be able to live their life. I’m having to live at my Mums as my husband has to work to obviously pay bills, so I feel like I’ve lost my baby I was pregnant with, my son, my husband, my house, just my whole life.

I’m on week 3 since my last surgery now but it been 5 weeks since I held my boy. It’s been more than 5 weeks since I’ve had sex with my husband (tmi I know). But I feel like I’m losing all my bonds and life. Then you get people who are like oh I wouldn’t be able to go 5 weeks without holding my baby and I get so frustrated it’s not a choice, I know I’m a good mum. Then I get my family who are like well you can sit with him, but then it hurts to watch other people take my place, or when there trying to calm him when he’s crying and there not doing what he likes not being able to take him and sort it, watching his routine change and just having to put up with it because I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the help.

I know I only have 3 weeks left, but I’m really struggling now. I just want my life back. How can I come to terms with losing my baby when I’m losing my life at the same time. They hospital hasn’t been very good. I can’t speak to anyone as they just don’t understand and think I’m being ungrateful or give me that pity look. I’ve talked to my husband but I only get to see him rarely where I’m staying at my

Mums. I’m trying to be positive but 5 weeks of this is starting to break me. I’m sick of the hospital, pain, and just being so tired and weak. I just want to be me again. I feel like I’m beginning to hate the world. Has anyone else experienced this and how did they cope?

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Hey, i’ve just come out the other side after have a double ectopic, they took my left tube but found something in my right as well so have removed it and repaired my tube but are not sure if it will work. I was trying to deal with that as well as the pain. Its so frustrating as you feel like its never going to end and watching other people hold and look after your child is so hard but you need to get better for your family so its time to take the help and to concentrate on you. My little one, well not so little one is 3 and watching her deal with everything was so hard as i could see she didn’t understand and at times she didnt want to come near me, which broke my heart. I decided it was time to stop worrying about her dinner and baths and who was doing it and concentrate on getting myself better so i could hold her and do all those things that i was so desperate to do. I’m 10 weeks on now and yesterday i took her to the farm, watched her ride a pony and went down a giant slide with her, it was the most amazing mummy, daughter day and her face was a picture. I wouldn’t say i’m 100% yet but i’m definitely not going to let it beat me. I suppose what i’m trying to say is, take each day at a time, each day it will get a little easier and before you know it you’ll be picking your little one up and giving them the biggest cuddle and getting them back into the routine thats right for both of you.

It is like an emotional rollercoaster, one day i was crying, the next angry but talking to my friends and my other half really helped no matter how i felt, it was so important and really got me through. Sometimes i was shouting at him, telling him he didnt understand and other times crying on hes shoulder, one thing was i didn’t realise how he was feeling. He had lost something too, he had to watch me in pain, watch me being wheeled off to threater, help me when i got home and take on everything as well as try and keep hes job going. He was trying to hold it together as much as i was. Your really not alone no matter how lonely you feel

I hope i’ve helped, never think your a bad mum, seriously you need to get better to be an even more amazing mummy xx

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Dear lily-mae,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss and all that you have been through. I just want you to know that whilst I understand your frustration and sadness, non of this is your fault and you remain a brilliant mum. I wish I could take the pain and worry away and I am sending warm hugs.

Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You have also had to process the loss of your baby and been through an immense rollercoaster of emotions - all of this will take time to come to terms with.

You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body’s signals and pain and feeling tired are your body’s signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.

I understand how frustrating this is but it is important that you give yourself time to heal both physically and emotionally. You are still there for your son emotionally and from my personal experience children do not remember the time mummy could not pick them up and aren’t affected by it in the future (personal experience of my husband working away for months at a time. It takes my little ones a day or so to adjust to him being back but then it’s all back to normal)

I completely understand how having an ectopic pregnancy and recovery from surgery can make you feel cut off from members of your family and routine, but it is important to give your body time to recover. You will need space to process what has happened and it can feel isolating. With us here at the Trust, we have been through similar experiences and can understand how lonely it feels. You have a friends here and please do continue to lean on us for as long as you need.

I know this is such a difficult time but I cannot emphasise enough that non of this is your fault and your feelings are completely normal.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there’s no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We’ll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

Sending much love,

Karen x

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?

Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk

Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.

Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.

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Thank you ladies so much. I’m starting to get better and feel better now. Thank you so much for your help and support x