Firstly, thank you so much to the people who responded to my last post. Ive had a rough month but seeing others who have felt the same or validated my feelings made me feel seen. It brought a small measure of comfort.
A month on, I can honestly say I have less of the intense and all comsuming fury I had before. That being said, the anger seems to come and go in bouts, often manifesting as bitterness and resentment. All the people with happy lil accidents… as if it were so easy. Every bit of social media is plastered with newborns and it makes me bitter and spiteful. The anger is less hot, but the flame still burns.
I expected more support from my family, the kind of support I have always provided them. Alas ‘everyones struggling right now’ has been throw in my face and I am still left to struggle and deal with this alone.
My partner was refered for counselling by his GP weeks after I self refered. He’s been offered counselling starting next week, whereas I havent even had an acknowledgement of my referral. So Im angry. Not at my partner, Im glad he’s not being overlooked. Im angry that once again, Im sweapt under the rug. They tell you to reach out and so far Ive reached a number of times over this past month. GP, family, friends, everyone else just keeps ticking along and Im left to fight this battle alone.
Im still having nightmares. Every night. Either Im dying or my partner or parents. Sometimes its worse and I have nightmares of pregnancy. Of wanting it then losing. Repays the loss again and again. I wish I didnt have to sleep.
But regardless of all this, Im still here. So thats a positive at least.