Struggling - afraid to try again

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Hi all,

I am one week into recovery from an ectopic pregnancy, I had my right fallopian tube removed. The surgery was emergency and everything happened very fast.

I am 26 and me and my husband only started trying for a baby 4 months ago, we had a miscarriage at 5 weeks the first month we got pregnant and now the ectopic.

I am struggling with feelings of never wanting to try for a baby again. The surgery felt so traumatic for me, my body is in so much pain. I feel such a guilt for not wanting to try again. Everyone keeps telling me I’m so lucky I have my other fallopian tube I can try again soon but I feel like breaking down infront of them.

I have had great support from family and friends, but now that I know I don’t want a baby I feel so lost, like I can’t see any future ahead and it feels so bleak. Has anyone felt this way?

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Hi Kate peach,

How you’re feeling is perfectly natural. Your body has gone through something very traumatic. You’ve not just lost a baby but your body hasn’t done what it’s supposed to do, an ectopic pregnancy isn’t just the loss of a baby it’s a life threatening conditioning. It’s scary and the intervention of surgery or mxt injection is scary too.

Friends and family may give advice like they know what it’s like but the truth is they don’t. I had a friend ask me did I have closure now, just because i mentioned i wrote a poem about my experience, but she knew I was still miscarriage bleeding, losing my baby. How can I be over it whilst still loosing a baby?

I would say it’s so raw and early, it’s just happened. It’s ok to feel how you feel. Give it time to let yourself process what you’ve been through. If that takes 6 months, a year, that’s ok. Don’t feel pressured by people. They haven’t been through what you have.

I had the mxt injection, for me it was bleeding for 12 long weeks and severe pain throughout it was excruciating and exhausting, when it was like the 10th time hours in pain I was like never again do I want to go through this I can’t risk this again, but as time went on I did try again. So feelings can be fluid.

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Dear Katepeach,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy loss,

It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We experience a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget our babies or experience, but we can learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead. In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes. Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.

Making the decision to begin trying to conceive is an emotional rollercoaster compounded by our sad loss. Again, you are not alone. We here emotional support whenever you need us. There is a specific Preparing for your Next Pregnancy board you can look at too whenever feel ready.

For now be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve and heal both physically and emotionally,

Sending much love,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

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