Hi there,
I’ve done this a bit back to front as i’ve been back posting on the boards for a wee while, but here goes with my story anyway.
My first pregnancy was in May 2005, we were on a lovely holiday, it was our two year wedding anniversary and it all seemed a perfect time to have a family. I suffered from lots of pregnancy symptoms and morning sickness and was so excited when we went to our 12 week scan. We looked at the screen and there it was - nothing. No baby, no sign of anything that should be there. In our naivety then, we were dragged back and forth for another three or four weeks, doing scans and whatever, until i eventually got a D+C. I’m still bitter that they must have known fine well that I had lost the baby long before then. I swore then that I would never be anything other than fully informed as to what I should expect and what was right and wrong in my pregnancy.
Happily after my missed miscarriage in August 2005, I was pregnant again by October 2005 and I had my beautiful son Adam by c-section in July 2006. Things were tough at first - I was very hard on myself, wanting to be the “perfect” mum and I never really got the chance to grieve for the first wee baby I lost. But things got better, we loved being a family and we thought all our hard times were behind us.
We thought that three years age gap would be nice between our kids, but as time went on we both got impatient to try for a brother or sister for Adam, so we TTC earlier than planned and discovered I was pregnant on Christmas Eve 2007. I told my family on Christmas Day, as I was feeling quite unwell, but as it seemed similar to when I had Adam, I wasn’t too worried. Well, you’ll all know the drill, later that night, I had some brown blood spotting and felt more and more unwell, with a bit of a pain in one side. I was gutted, I was convinced I was having another miscarriage. Only once I got to hospital, it turned out to be worse than that and it was ectopic and probably about 8 weeks on. I was whisked into theatre the following day and lost my right tube.
I picked myself up and went back to work a couple of weeks later, but didn’t really feel I had dealt with it. All of a sudden all my emotions came crashing in about me around May 2008 and I had to take time off work. I had been off for two months and was starting to feel gradually better, when I found I was pregnant again in the July. Well, I couldn’t have been happier, this would put it all right. Only it was not to be, I miscarried again and ended up off work for another two months. I swore at that point that I wouldn’t try again, but time is a healer and all that, and we decided to TTC early on this year. The cruel irony all the way through this is the fact that I have been pregnant five time and on every occasion I have fallen pregnant within a month of trying, even with one tube.
On this occasion I knew something just wasn’t right, I was on a night out a couple of nights after getting the postive pregnancy test. I was sweating and light-headed and felt sick and when I went to the loo there was bright red blood. That meant it was a miscarriage, right? Wrong. It was another EP and after four weeks of to-ing and fro-ing, blood tests and methotrexate, I eventually lost my second tube on the 28 April 2009. Almost exactly four years on from my first pregnancy.
So no more babies of my own. How will I come to terms with it? Only time will tell.
Dianne.