This year has just been such a terribly year for my body and fertility.
In March after trying for a baby for about 6 months I was diagnosed with pcos, and was put on metformin. Nothing happened. Early this month I got my period (I thought) it was a very gentle “period”. I had a follow up meeting with my doctor booked, where we were going to talk about trying clomid, but as I had had spotting for 14 days I had a feeling my doctor would ask if I had taken a pregnancy test. So I took one, it was positive. But I knew something was wrong, there was no way it was a healthy pregnancy when I had this pain and was bleeding.
The pain increased and I went to the A & E, after 3 hours in the waiting room I saw a doctor who did not think it was an ectopic, he referred me to the early pregnancy unit and told me they would call the day after. I was relieved, believing it was a miscarriage and it actually made me happy.
After a year of trying, something was finally happening in my body.
The morning after the early pregnancy unit called. Work had been very busy and we were low on staff so I asked if I couldn’t wait until the week after to come for a check up but the nurse was very insistent that I should come the day after. Eventually I agreed, telling my bosses that I’d hopefully just be gone for a couple hours.
Thinking back, I wish that had been true. I had the hope with me that maybe, just maybe, it was a healthy baby in there and I would finally be a mother.
The day after I came in, they did an ultrasound and said straight away that it was ectopic. I was so surprised, and chocked, because I really hadn’t prepared for that. He said that they would most likely need to remove my tube because I was in so much pain. And from there the whole experience escalated. I called my boss, crying my heart out, out of fear and chock, telling her I’d not be able to come in for the rest of the day. She said it was okay, that I didn’t need to worry about work. I was sitting in the waiting room, crying, and I was too scared to call my husband, I didn’t know what to say. What do you say? “Our chance of getting a baby is now slimming even further?” A nurse saw me and got a doctor to take me to his office where he sat with me, calmed me down and answered my 5000 questions. I eventually called my husband, telling him what was going on, and he rushed to the hospital to be with me.
I had to do some blood tests and when we were almost done, I fainted. Then everything happened so quickly, I had about 3 doctors, a surgeon and a couple of nurses doing checks and telling me my tube had probably ruptured. While I was shaking so badly and could barely understand what was said to me.
Though we’re living in corona times, they let my husband in, and upon seeing him I finally started to calm down.
A few more blood tests showed that my tube most likely hadn’t burst but I was just under extreme shock and fear.
At 5:30 on Friday the 24th they removed my tube.
I laid the whole night in a hospital bed, not sleeping. My husband had had to go home. I didn’t really feel more than psychical pain at that point, it hadn’t really hit me I think.
It wasn’t until yesterday evening the volume of all that happened came crashing down. My pcos together with my one healthy tube has now reduced my fertility with a lot. I may get another ectopic because I had this one, it may be worse the next time.
I’m afraid of trying again, but I also really want to be a mother. I feel like I can’t trust my body, for years the doctors have told me my body is healthy and I will have no issues having a baby, but now I’m sitting here, One tube down… I feel less like myself, and less like a healthy person, I feel broken. My scars will always be a reminder of that.
I’m 30, so all my friends are having children now. And I hate myself for being jealous of them, I love them and I want to be happy for them, to share their joy. But I just can’t and again it feels like I’m not myself. Who will I become?
I’m so worried about the future.
Thank you if you read this far.