Emotional day

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I had an emergency eptopic 2 weeks ago at 10 weeks pregnant, losing my left tube, ovaries and everything else looks good so I’m grateful for that. Everything was very sudden and flashbacks aren’t nice, I went downstairs for a wee at 4am and everything was fine… but an hour later I was woken up with pain and passed out as I tried to walk out of the bedroom. I was dragged downstairs on a blanket and rushed to hospital, finding out I had had an ectopic a few hours after surgery.

Obviously everything emotionally is very raw at the minute, I would have been 12 weeks now. I have found out today that one of my best friends is 9 weeks pregnant. I’m so happy for her but I just cant explain how I feel right now to be honest. It’s just been a tough day.

I dont really know what I’m looking for by posting this… I think I just need to let it out and typing seems easier than talking about it.

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Dear Katrina 24,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. You have been through a huge amount in such a short space of time and it is very normal to feel overwhelmed. From your words, I can imagine how frightening the experience must have been and I am sorry you have had to go though this.

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it’s treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

Following surgery, you should take it very easily for about six weeks. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body’s signals and pain and feeling tired are your body’s signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

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During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

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Hi lovely,

I’m so sorry to hear your sad news. It’s such a trauma to go through. Sending you lots of love and strength.

My ectopic was in January and while I was sitting in the hospital waiting for my op my good friend messaged me to tell me she was pregnant and my best friend had just had her baby 9days before. It’s hard and it breaks your heart because you a very happy for them but also sad for yourself but that’s ok. Things do get better I promise. Everyday you will deal and process with something else. Just don’t beat yourself for being sad or down as it is so fresh. I found that this forum was a saviour in the early days as you feel so lonely so it was good to feel like other people understood how you felt.

Leah xx

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Honesty I’m going through the same thing with my friends. I’m under expectant management and will find out Friday next steps.

One friend had a baby a few months ago. One two days after I found an ectopic and the other one due in a matter of weeks.

Whilst I’m happy for them it makes me feel so sad. I was even unsure whether to tell them because of them acting differently around me. It might sound selfish but I can’t listen to baby talk with them. Really struggling emotionally.

Take care and rest up. This forum has really helped me.

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Hi Katrina24,

I had a similar experience to yours last August, I was 10 weeks pregnant when my left tube ruptured, I was rushed to emergency surgery where they removed my left tube and our embryo. My husband and I had been trying for many years and been through 6 rounds of IVF and 2 miscarriages- what made this harder was the fact that it was a natural pregnancy which we were told couldn’t happen for us, so we were absolutely crushed.

I can only say it does get easier- it will always be a sad, emotional and traumatic memory, don’t bury it- it’s good to take a moment to acknowledge it, feel sad when you need to, cry or scream when you need to, and have a duvet day when you need it. Give yourself the time and space you need, you’ve been through so much emotionally and physically. It’s taken me a long time to realise it wasn’t my fault and there is nothing I could have done to prevent it, it was at a life threatening stage and I’m lucky to be alive.

I am the only one of out of all my friends who does not have any babies, it can be hard when all they talk about is babies and it seems so easy for them to get pregnant, even the ones who said they never wanted kids are pregnant now. It’s totally fine to not get involved in things that may be difficult, you don’t have to explain yourself or justify your reasons, just do what’s right for you.

Recently I felt obligated to attend a Zoom baby shower but as soon as I joined the call, I couldn’t face it and faked a bad connection and cut off the call, which I also felt bad about. I realised I shouldn’t have put myself in that position in the first place. No-one else thought anything of it but it played on my mind for days after.

I have found this forum so helpful. It’s comforting to know others are experiencing the same things and who really understand. My husband and I have vowed never to forget our little miracle and to honour the memory but also not to dwell on it and focus on all the positive things in our lives.

I love children and have always wanted a family and although it’s upsetting feeling that we probably will not have our own, I feel it is still important to be part of my friend’s children’s lives and reminds me that we still have a lot to give and a lot of love to share.

Sending you love and hugs. xxx

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Thank you all for replying. I know it was a while ago, but I just couldn’t bring myself to reply to the messages at the time. Ive been trying to see my friend regularly (in line with covid) thinking that it will get easier, but i don’t know if it does. I have invited to her baby shower and gender reveal next week which I’ve said I wouldn’t miss for the world… but to be honest i might just have to tell her the truth, I just don’t think I can face it.

I’m sorry to get an insight of your stories too. I hope you are all doing and send my love and best wishes. Thank you so much for replying to me, they really helped me to realise it was okay to feel how I did at the time. A lot of tears reading the messages again but I’m glad I did xx

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Hi Katrina,

I know your post was a little while ago but I also relate to how you’re feeling.

I had surgery 9 weeks ago, the surgeon managed to save my tube but it’s likely now damaged.

Me and my partner had been trying for nearly a year, we were over the moon when we found out I was pregnant. We paid for a private early scan at 7 weeks and found out the devastating news it was ectopic. I had to leave my partner there and was rushed to hosp in ambulance, I had surgery the same day and stayed over night. Worst day of my life.

My partners sister is pregnant and the other has just had a baby. I have also found out this week my sister is pregnant.

Of course I am happy for my sister, but I also feel so upset and jealous. I keep thinking that should be me. I have spoken to my partner about how I’m feeling but I just get told “you should be happy for your sister” - he doesn’t get it.

I wish I could switch off my emotions and just feel joy, but I can’t, I am still grieving for my loss.

It’s gonna be extremely hard for me to get through this but this forum does help me as I feel like there’s people who understand how I feel.

Xxx