Embarrassed to tell people

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Good morning everyone! I’m currently writing this from my hospital bed, after a very traumatic few days dealing with the removal of my ectopic pregnancy (6 weeks 5 days) on my own due to COVID restrictions. I am so thankful a place like this forum exists, as I have been reading all your lovely words and stories (particularly positive news ones) to reassure me during this dark time.

Thankfully, I am finally getting to go home today!

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice about how to explain to others what has happened? My immediate family are aware (they were the only ones who knew I was pregnant), but I can’t help but feel embarrassed, guilty, and like I’m a failure of a woman/mother whenever I try to write down a message to let others (such as my friends) what’s happened. I know I am still processing what’s happened, but sadly we have lots of other parent friends (we are lucky to have a beautiful 3 year old boy), many of whom are currently pregnant or due to give birth any day, and it is hard to know what to say to them as I just feel so heartbroken it’s not happening for me.

I also don’t want to sound depressing and rain on their parade, as it is such an exciting time for them. At the same time I want people to know so that I don’t have to continually bear the insensitive comments like - “do you think you’ll have any more children”? as I know I won’t be able to deal with this emotionally. Sadly it’s taken my husband and I nearly two years to get to this point (having been previously referred for fertility investigations, all of which came back normal - even a HyCoSy scan back in January which said my uterus was completely healthy) , so this whole experience has been a shock. Its something you read about but think “it won’t happen to me” - until it does.

Any words of advice for coming to terms with your loss and how to let your friends know would be gratefully received.

Thanks x

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Bless you!! I had my ectopic pregnancy operated on on Tuesday (2 days ago) and I must admit I paused before I told my parents. I somehow found it easier to tell my friends. Everyone is different.

I did. And I’m glad I did. Everyone has probably done a fair amount of googling and my 77y old dad has probably had his only ever lesson in female anatomy (I sent them a link from this website), but atleast it’s out there.

They are your friends. They will be dropping thoughtful things off at your doorstep before you know it. You need them. And they will support you x x x x

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Hi

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I had an ectopic a year ago and found it tough. Firstly know it is not your fault and you are not a failure. Unfortunately ectopics do happen. Give yourself time to come to terms with it.

I found myself wanting to cry a lot but held back the tears on a number of occasions. These boards really helped and I hope you find comfort in them like I did.

In relation to telling people my family knew and where hugely supportive. In relation to friends I told my close friends only as it felt natural. In relation to my work I only told my boss (had to because of the number of appointments I had to attend!) and one v close colleague (I felt v protective of my little one and didn’t want it to become office gossip but at the same time if I had a problem at work I wanted someone who knew). The thing is to do what feels right for you. After telling those people the thing I found out is this… these people will share their experiences. They may well have had an ectopic, know of someone already who has, know someone whose miscarried or had a molar pregnancy (believe it or not I told only a few people and the stories that came out showed that the pregnancy journey is not as smooth as it is portrayed to be).

Be kind to yourself xx

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Dear prettyinpink+,

I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,

I also struggled with how to tell people, especially as I hadn’t really told many people I was even pregnant.

This week has been baby loss awareness week and today there is a wave of light, where we can light candles for babies we never got to hold. Perhaps you could light a candle and let your friends know with a message why you are doing this. You will probably find your friends very supportive.

I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself, you have no reason to feel guilty.

We really do hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It’s what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us “bad” people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.

Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You have also had to process the loss of your baby and been through an immense rollercoaster of emotions - all of this will take time to come to terms with.

You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body’s signals and pain and feeling tired are your body’s signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.

Above all be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally.

We will be here for you for as long as you need,

Sending much love and warm hugs,

Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Registered Charity Number: 1071811

Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards

During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.

If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?

Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

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Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

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Thanks for all your kind words, it really means a lot.

I am finally home, and have managed to tell my boss and also a couple of close friends. I have told others I had emergency surgery for personal reasons, as it doesn’t feel right to share such personal information right now. I am hoping this will be enough that people won’t pry and ask insensitive questions until I am ready. At the moment I don’t know how to tell my “mum” friends, and feel like I’m not in the right place to share my sad news whilst they’re just about to embark on such happy experiences themselves.

I have a sick note for 2 weeks, but am worried I am not going to be ready to return to work in 2 weeks time. I guess I’ll just have to see how things go and speak to my Dr if I need any more time.

I think one of the hardest things at the moment is that I haven’t been able to cry or grieve properly since my procedure because I’ve been in too much pain to cry! I did a lot of crying the day I found out (I didn’t go into surgery until the following day), but feel a lot of emotions have yet to be expressed until I am physically better in myself. Did anyone else feel like that?

Once again thanks for all your comments of support xx

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We had our operation on the same day, Tuesday this week - so I’m right there with you on that.

I think I’m still in shock tbh.

I bled for ten days before the ectopic was found, so I’m wondering (hoping) that I have already dealt with the baby loss aspect - wishful thinking I reckon.

I had a miscarriage in July as well, so, again, maybe I feel like I knew it was going to happen again.

So what I’m saying is, my head is busy dealing with the heat and now- stuff right in front of my nose stuff - like worrying about taking off my dressings, like worrying about how I’ll manage looking after my daughter on Monday (she’s in childcare the rest of the week), like worrying about what I’m going to do all day (I’m usually mad busy person), like worrying about putting on weight while I sit here not able to exercise at all, and worrying about my belly button- which is an imperfect thing already with being an outtie my whole life and having a hernia since I had my daughter 3 years ago.

Also worrying about whether two losses so close together are a sign we shouldn’t have another baby.

Also being angry about the fact that none of the risk factors for ectopic apply to me - yet it still happened.

Sorry - I’ll stop now x x

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So what I am saying is, for me, I haven’t processed it yet. I’m too preoccupied with my sore tum!

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Well done for telling those ppl PrettyinPink.

Take things one day at a time and tell ppl you are comfortable telling when you feel it’s right. X x

Your mum friends have probably been through miscarriages And some c sections/messy births - so May be able to understand some parts of what you’re going thru.

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Hi PrettyInPink.

I am so sorry to hear you had to go through that. Nothing prepares you for it. But I am glad to hear you’ve been able to reach out to people.

And I am glad your Dr has given you some time off. And if you feel like you need more time to heal (physically and emotionally) I urge you let them know that you’re not ready.

I wish you the very best in your recovery. Once my wounds had healed from my surgery and I was a bit more mobile, I found short walks to be very helpful. And try to nap when you can.

If you felt strong enough to talk out loud about it, I found chatting on the phone with the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust to be very beneficial in helping my mood.

I also bought myself a necklace with an Amethyst stone. I hold the pendant when I’m feeling a bit sad. And no one else knows what I’m thinking. But it reminds me to take a few breaths.

Lots of love,

StargazingBear