Hi,
My name is Becky, I am 28 (nearly 29) years old. I found out I was pregnant in June. I’d been bleeding after sex and my boobs were sore so I did a home pregnancy test on a Tuesday. It was negative but the symptoms remained so I did another test on the Friday which was positive. I wasn’t surprised but I was unsure how I felt about the pregnancy - we’d talked about trying for a baby before I hit 30 but this wasn’t planned.
We came to the conclsion the surprise wasn’t unwelcome and we started to get excited. We went shopping the very next day for pregnancy manuals and bigger bras!
On the Sunday I started bleeding - fresh, red, blood. We had friends coming for a BBQ lunch so I put it to the back of my mind. I’d known women that bled a bit during pregnancy and all had turned out well. I was cramping a bit but the bleeding wasn’t heavy so I assumed it was an implantation bleed or something of that ilk. At about 11:00 the bleeding got heavier and we went to A&E.
They couldn’t scan me as it was the weekend and told me to come back on Tuesday to the Early Pregnancy Asessment Clinic. By Monday morning I was panicking and called the hospital requesting an earlier appt. I managed to get one for that afternoon. I was scanned and blood taken. There was nothing obvious in my uterus and it was presumed I’d miscarried. The bloods came back with an HCG level of 350 - I was 3 weeks pregnant so this was OK and I was asked to go for more bloods in 2 days time. The second HCG level came back at 360 and I was asked to go straight to Gynae ward.
The gynae ward proposed surgery minutes after I got there. They didn’t scan me but a junior doctor did an internal and told me in broken English she could ‘feel’ the pregnancy on the exterior of the right side of my womb (that she could feel anything is apparently virtually impossible at 3 weeks) and it needed to come out. I was horrified. I had no pain, the bleeding had stopped and I felt perfectly OK physically. I walked out of the hospital.
I went to see my old family doctor in London the next day and he sent me for another scan showing a 1.2mm sack in my uterus. We were thrilled and got told to come for another scan in 4 weeks when we could hopefully see a heartbeat. I was told we could be cautiously optimistic.
My HCG levels rose slowly during those 4 weeks, doubling every 8 days instead of the hoped-for 2. I realised (from hours of trawling the Internet) the pregnancy was not healthy and expected to miscarry. I had no idea the pregnancy could still be ectopic.
The next scan showed nothing in my uterus and my HCG level was 1000. The sack we had previously seen was a nowhere to be seen and I’d had no bleeding in over a month. The pregnancy was indeed ectopic.
I had Methotrexate treatment last week (11-07-07). This sounds strange but when I left from having the injection I just felt relief. We’d had almost 5 weeks of uncertainty and because of HCG level testing, I’d known all along I wasn’t going to end up with a baby (this isn’t to say at times I’d find myself day-dreaming about having a 5 year old on a swing in the garden). My relief was compounded yesterday (17-07-07) when I heard my HCG level had dropped to 350.
Now I feel empty. I’m worried about the future (I’m going to have a dye-X-ray once I’ve had a period) and I’m so confused. During my darker moments I feel let down by my body, guilty that I didn’t manage to deliver our baby for my boyfriend and well, a bit of failure as a woman. Mostly I just feel emotionally and physically exhausted.
When I first heard we couldn’t try again for 3 months after Methotrexate I was really disappointed. Now I can see that as a couple, we need that time to recover. We’re going to take a holiday and have some fun together.
This site has been a God-send. It’s answered all my questions about what to expect physically, given me a place to honestly express my feelings and most importantly, it’s made sure I know I’m not alone. These boards are full of wonderful women who’ve had tougher experiences than mine and are still smiling (for the most part).
Thanks for letting me rant, I hope it helps someone.
Best wishes,
Becky. X.