So I’ve been a member for just over a week, and rather than dribbling any more bits of my story into various different posts, I thought I’d set it out here in one go. My intention is to update it if/when anything significant happens.
So, I’m 32, been with my beloved for 11+ years, married for 4. We’re lucky in each other, our family, friends, careers, and have financial needs which don’t exceed our income. We’re both academic achievers, and set high standards for ourselves in everything we do. We love where we live, there is a real community sense, and we’re near enough to everything we could ever need - plus a whole lot more. Neither of us are parents.
We always knew we’d want to have children, and suspected it wouldn’t be straightforward (I was the product of a 7 year wait, my dad’s parents also had trouble, and I have a couple of cousins who’d not conceived easily). But we weren’t in a hurry, so after coming off the pill and being ‘careless’ for a while, we started trying in earnest in 2008. I had a late period once in early 2009, but that was as far as things went. After about 18 months, we went to see the GP, who referred us to the fertility centre at the hospital. First appointment in April 2010, tests took place during last summer. Finally prescribed clomid for 3 cycles (Sept, Oct, Nov 2010). Didn’t work. Then time to move on to an IUI, which, joy of all joys, resulted in a +ve preg test on 29th Dec.
So for two weeks, we allowed ourselves to dream. Didn’t count our chickens - we knew enough people who’d had early stage problems not to expect it to work out. But at least it was a step in the right direction. We bought a couple of pregnancy books, and imagined the life growing. I felt sick and loved it!
Our six week scan was on 13th Jan, and we knew that this was to check number and location of our little one(s). But despite knowing that, it was a real shock to be told that my uterus was empty. Though we knew an ectopic was an option, I’d ‘felt’ that worst case scenario was an empty sac. If only. The medics (apart from one who made us sit in silence while he wrote a letter to my GP, despite us just having heard this news) were brilliant. We had all the time we needed, and were really made to feel cared for. We then had to go to the emergency gynae ward - different site, same NHS trust, but actually closer to home, and at least it got us away from all the happy people in the fertility centre.
The doc there was also brilliant, and after locating a single ectopic pregnancy sac just outside my left ovary by ultrasound, gave us so much time and info. She said that although my HCG levels were on the high side, because of my lack of pain or bleeding, we had two options - a methotrexate jab or surgical removal. The surgical option would probably get us in a position to try to conceive about a month sooner, but would likely leave me one tube down. We decided that wasn’t a good trade, so we went for the MTX jab. I had this on Friday 14th January. It didn’t hurt much, and I didn’t have any adverse reactions.
I had blood tests for HCG levels 4 & 7 days afterwards, and they were still rising, so had another MTX jab on Friday 21st Jan. That hurt much more, but not for too long. I also asked for an extra ultrasound, which the doc was happy to do. It showed the sac had shrunk a little, and was looking ‘less organised’.
I had more blood tests on days 4&6 after the second jab, and the HCG levels started coming down. I now only need weekly blood tests, as long as the decreases continue.
I don’t know how long it will take for my HCG levels to get down to the magic 5 to be able to be discharged.
I don’t know what the fertility centre will say about future treatment options, nor their timescales.
And emotionally, it is a bit of a head-****. Like I say, I didn’t expect it to go right first time, but we did have hopes it would get a bit further. But then again, if it wasn’t going to come out alive, then better it goes sooner, I guess. I can deal with it being another hurdle to jump, but I’m a little worried it will be a brick wall to future pregnancy. It makes me realise how much I/we have to be grateful for, and how much I could be putting at risk if we single-mindedly pursue conception at all costs. It also makes me realise that even when the medics are the nicest & most discreet people in the world, there are sometimes you want them to go away and stop fiddling with your hoo-ha. Which if I ever do get pregnant, could be a bit of an issue! And then there is the shock & grief, which I’m just not going to try to characterise at the moment. Even if I wrote all night, I don’t think I could explain how complicated it all feels.
Update: 5 June 2011
It took 8 long weeks for my HCG levels to drop below 5. I had the pleasure of a couple of nights in hospital when the cramps were too much for the painkillers I’d been given & the docs were worried I was rupturing. Not sure if the cramps were separation pain or constipation from all the painkillers. I bled for nearly four weeks – pretty heavy & clotty at times, and I was exhausted for most of that time. I kept a spreadsheet of all my HCG readings and amount of bleeding so made predictions for each weekly test. I read lots and watched lots of rubbish TV. I was very impatient for my HCG levels to drop more quickly, but when (on 9th March) I finally got discharged we both felt quite sad that it was really over.
So then began the 12 weeks of folic acid. In that time I also contacted my fertility doctors, explaining that we wanted to try another IUI as soon as sensible. They gave me some blood tests, which after an initial scare, turned out to be ok, so now our next IUI is scheduled for my June cycle, and I’ve already started the ovulation stimulation pills (am on day 3). Fingers crossed it works, and that the little beanie thinks more carefully about where to land!
I have felt quite blue at various times over the last four & a bit months since I last posted. And it certainly feels like a lot longer! But I have also been honoured & touched by the responses of some of my existing friends – and the ladies on here.
I hope that the next step in my story won’t be ectopic related… I’ll update when there is anything worth noting!