I know life has to go on but I still struggle to get my head around everything that has happened this month.
I went for an early private scan as I just couldn’t wait 12weeks due to the fact that we had been told we would need IFV (then got pregnant naturally) after four years of trying and the fact that I have a history of cervical issues. We had the private scan on the 2nd of November, I thought I was 6+2weeks. The lady couldn’t see anything on the external scan, she said my uterus lining was thick but that was all, she then suggested an internal so I went to the toilet and while I was there she said to my husband ‘sorry I’ve never seen anything like this before’ but she wouldn’t elaborate. I returned and she did an internal, she said she could see no sign of pregnancy and two fibroids. She checked my tubes and said they were clear, so finished by saying maybe it was just too early and I might have my dates wrong. She suggested we waited 10-14 days and then do another pregnancy test and go to the doctors. I was so upset afterwards, but I didn’t listen to her advice and went to the doctors the next day.
The doctor looked at the report, she did a pregnancy test (positive), an internal check and felt my tummy. She said everything looked like it should and that maybe the dates were wrong but she was sending me to the EPU due to my history. It was a tough weekend of trying to believe everything would be okay but also preparing ourselves for bad news, however I didn’t prepare for what happened.
On the 6th of November I went for my appointment at the EPU, we explained to the nurse why we were there, and she said there are three things it could be, 1. It was too early and we checked and everything is fine, 2. That I was pregnant but miscarried early, 3. or it is an unknown location. She started by doing a test, which was positive. Then came the internal scan.
Straight away I knew from her face something was wrong the second she started the scan, she turned to us there is a baby would you like me to tell you what I’m seeing or would you prefer me to carry out the scan and discuss after. I said I wanted to know, she said there is a baby but it is in an unknown location. She then said just give me a minute I’m just going to have a look for more details, her face then suddenly changed and she couldn’t hide her shock as she said your baby is measuring at 10+4weeks. She said she was so sorry but that she was going to have to call her boss in for a second opinion as the baby was so far on and she was unsure where it was. She then started to say maybe you have a second uterus, that does happen. It seemed she couldn’t believe it was etopic as was measuring so big and still alive, I didn’t cling onto this hope due to my history I’ve had so many scans I know my insides. She then asked if we wanted to see our baby, I said no as I wasn’t brave enough but my husband asked if he could and when I saw him looking that gave me the strength to. We saw a little baby, moving around and the heartbeat was so strong. At that point she confirmed that the baby was in my left tube, she finished the scan and explained that I would need surgery but that she still wanted a second opinion from her boss and another sonographer was being called.
Her boss had been pulled our of prepping for a surgery, a few minutes later he arrived and the internal scan was resumed but this time they couldn’t see the baby and I was starting to get distressed so they stopped quickly and he looked at the pictures she had taken. I was asked to sit up and he started asking me questions based on symptoms as he couldn’t believe I hadn’t had any, on his third question I thought I had answered but seemingly garbled words came out, I got so hot, sweat started to pour of me and everyone around us started shouting, hitting alarms and calling people in.
At this point I started to feel pain like never before, and was vomiting. I will never forget the look on my husbands face, so many people were in the room and I had people telling me I was having to go straight to theatre, consent forms were being put in front of me as they were explaining I was bleeding internally and they had to get the baby out and that they would have to remove my tube and possibly my ovary. I couldn’t even hold the pen to sign the papers as I was shaking so much. It was so frantic in the room, everyone was shouting, trying to get needles in me, consents signed. It was so scary, they didn’t even wait for the porters to come, the surgical team wheeled me to theatre, no prep nothing, my own clothes were cut from me.
Then I woke up in surgery and the real nightmare began, I had lost my baby. I was no longer pregnant and I had nearly died. My surgeon visited to explain they had had to give me open surgery as I had lost nearly two litres of blood from rupture in the scan room to getting to the theatre and told me all that had happened within ten minutes. He said that I was very lucky, had I ruptured anywhere else there wouldn’t have been time to get me to the hospital. He still couldn’t believe that I had had no symptoms, and had gotten that far with the baby growing.
It is so hard to have gone from seeing a healthy baby, to not being pregnant. I know there was nothing I could’ve done that they baby couldn’t survive but I can’t get my head around that right now. The fact that I came so close to dying, scares me too.
It’s exactly two weeks later now, and I’m physically healing well and preparing to go back to work. Emotionally on the outside I’m doing well, on the inside I’m crumbling. Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am, and I know I am but it is hard to feel lucky when I don’t have the baby I longed for and now my fertility is even worse than it was. I worry about my husband too, he has been amazing and I wouldn’t have got through these two weeks without him but I know he is hurting too. My family and friends have been amazing, supporting me and being there for me. My parents dropping everything and coming down to be with me, so I know I’m very lucky to have all the support to but I feel like I’ve let people down by not being able to have a successful pregnancy.
I guess it is just a case of day by day but it is hard, so hard.
Apologises for such a long post. I didn’t intend for it to be long but it seemed that when I started writing I couldn’t stop.