Hi A-M
We’ve known each other now for a LONG time, and so I hope you won’t mind (and will know that I mean the very best) if I play devil’s advocate here a little, and look at things from your colleague’s point of view. Over the last few years, as I’ve tried to get back to “normal” and to deal with pregnant women and mothers on a less emotional and personal (to me) basis, I find this helps me a lot, and maybe it’ll help you.
You said that you’re upset that “she had it so easy,” and that she’s “not even acknowledged how lucky she has been.” Well, trying to get pregnant for three years and having to resort to IVF doesn’t sound easy to me. IVF is NOT easy. It’s all relative to our own situations - that she had to do this to conceive her first, possibly one and only child will definitely not have been easy for her. There is no doubt in my mind that she will be thrilled and feeling lucky. Does she need to constantly say it to people? And do you expect all your staff who get pregnant to acknowledge how lucky they are? Or just the ones who have done IVF? She’s probably also feeling that she’s had to go through so much to achieve what so many other women seem to achieve normally and without thought or effort, and finally it is her turn, and she doesn’t want to have to behave any differently to any other pregnant woman at work. Nor should she have to. I remember saying a number of times myself “all I want is to be common-as-mud normal.”
Yes, I can understand as her manager that you found it difficult covering her for the time she’s had off. But maybe she doesn’t think she has to justify this, as she probably sees other women take time off with no notice whatsoever when their kids are sick (maybe even you), or others taking time off because of a hangover, perhaps an accident playing a sport, or simply because they wake up in the morning sick. Maybe she feels that having treatment for infertility is no worse than this, and in fact a lot better because at least you were warned in advance, and is certainly nothing she needs to feel guilty for. I don’t know how public her IVF was (ie did everyone know or just you as her manager), but perhaps she doesn’t want to draw attention to that? I can tell you that if I had done IVF when I was working full-time, I certainly would NOT have told my manager why I was having time off, simply that I was having medical treatment and would need time off on very short notice.
I hope that she’s not going to be “precious” about the pregnancy, and be impossible to work with" as you predict. And to be fair, you really don’t know yet if she’s going to be like that, do you? But let’s be honest. Wouldn’t we (you and me) have been a bit precious about our pregnancies had we managed one after our eps? I’m sure I would have been. I also like to think that I would have been sensitive to those around me. But I can’t guarantee that. It’s such a fine line for those who are pregnant around those who have suffered losses or are trying to conceive. I don’t think anyone should go on and on about their pregnancy (or for that matter their kids, or their cat, or their holidays, or their hobby) or any one topic at work. That’s a sure fire way to upset people. But equally, they should be allowed to talk about it, or take time off for medical appointments. It’s their reality. They can’t deny it.
And I can see again that, as her manager, you are worried about the future of the workload. Does that mean you’re never going to employ any women of childbearing age, or women who have children, or men who share in the care of their children? Didn’t women our age (and those before us) fight to have the right to be able to return to work after maternity leave? Did you take maternity leave with your children? I know I would have if I’d had the opportunity. I also think it’s much too soon to be rethinking succession plans right now. You don’t know - she might find that she copes extremely well through the pregnancy and when she returns after maternity leave. And besides, to be fair to you and your own sense of integrity, if you started rethinking succession plans now, you’d never truly know if you made the decision on the basis of good, logical, business and staff management, or if you made the decision because you’re really more than a little peeved that she’s pregnant.
A-M, you and I know that we can be honest about that. We do feel peeved when we hear others are pregnant. It might not be fair, but it’s how we feel. And some pregnancies ARE harder to hear about than others. I don’t know why that is. I find when I hear older women get pregnant it hurts more than hearing about an 18 year old, even though I’m usually much more approving of the older woman’s pregnancy! It’s just closer to home for me. And yes, it can still hurt.
I find your message really calls out to me in terms of that struggle to have our losses and our infertility (secondary or otherwise) acknowledged and understood (although not pitied - none of us want pity do we?). It seems that you’re wanting her to acknowledge you, and the hurt you’re feeling, the reminders her pregnancy brings back to you. But that’s a big responsibility to put on someone who has been through what she’s been through. And she’s not going to be able to meet those expectations. Because nothing she does is going to soothe the hurt.
I don’t know about you, but I am finding that as I’m now in the mid 40s (I refuse to be in late 40s till I’m 49!!), it is much easier to distance my feelings about pregnancy. (I’m pretty sure we’re roughly the same age, right?) It’s not a reality for me, even if by some chance I could become pregnant. I actually find that the more I can have “normal” relationships with pg women and mothers, the more I act normal, the more I feel normal, and then the easier it is to cope. I can divorce their situation from my own. I no longer feel it as a personal insult - that sharp OUCH, that slap in the face - when I see pg women. And I find that makes it easier for me to be me. And that’s all I want (as I’m realising now as I write this - that’s why I love this board - it gives me the chance to discover who I am), I just want to be me. Not “Linda who can’t have children” or “Linda who had eps” but just “Linda - the sum of all my parts.”
I guess what I’m saying is that, for me at least, I’ve learned that when I get upset at others, it’s usually much more about me - and the way I feel about myself - than about the way they’re behaving. And I sense that might be the case for you with this lady.
So my advice would be to take a deep breath, and think about how you would have wanted to be treated in her circumstances. Maybe have a chat to a counsellor about it, as you’re going to have a good six months to deal with her pregnancy, and so having an outlet or a plan to deal with this might help you get through day to day.
Good luck!
Love
Linda
. Try not to regret your decsions, we all do what is right at that time, with the info we have at that time, the emotional energy we have at that time and thats all we can work with. (yep i know pot n kettle and all that and i should take my own advice :roll: