Hi all, first time for me on something like this. I feel so lost and not sure where to turn. I am permenantly employed as a health care assistant on a gynecology ward in a hospital, so i knew everyone involved in my care. From the A&E staff, to the anesthetist to the surgeon. EVERYONE. And although that was comforting at the time im finding that quite hard now.
On the 22nd November i worked a 7-7.30 shift as normal and all was fine. Started having right abdo pain about half 8 quite intense, light headed and was being sick, put it down to a bug and went to bed with painkillers. Woke up about 1am with severe abdo pain and shoulder tip pain. As i work on the gynae ward i know the symptoms of an ectopic BUT i didn’t know i was pregnant. I took and test and it was positive. I knew how dangerous it could be if i ruptured so i packed a bag and went straight to A&E (praying it would be my appendix and not an ectopic). Pregnancy test there was positive, bloods taken HCG was 12,000. Admitted to MY ward 6.30am as its the only gynae ward. Scan at 11 confirmed i was a ruptured ectopic. I was in theatre by half 12. Everything happened so fast i didn’t even get to wash my bits before i went or tell my husband what was happening. I woke up back on my ward, my baby was gone and so was my right fallopian tube. All in the space of 12 hours. I was discharged the next day. To be honest i felt so numb i didn’t feel anything. The day day after i was watching a film with my son. (I am so grateful and lucky to already have a son) i had a phone call, i needed to go fill the ‘form’ in. You know the one where you have to decided what you want to do with your baby. How can you be asked these questions after they have just took your baby away. It all hit me like a tone of bricks i was uncontrollably crying, screaming. My baby was gone forever and there was nothing i could do. Everyone was saying it could be worse you could of died. I know i could of died but my baby actually did. No one was understanding me still don’t i don’t think. I cried for the next 3 weeks. I was readmitted on the 8th December with the same pain, i was in for another 3 days. Having scan after scan and bloods after bloods. (I am petrified of needles) although my HCG had dropped it was still 2000 and was going up. I was allowed home on the tuesday but had to go back for bloods every 24 hours. No one knew what was going on. My HCG was still going up but nothing was showing on the scans. On the 17th of December they told me the only explanation was that there was another baby growing in an unknown location and my only safe option would be methotrexate which i needed to have as soon as pharmacy could dispense it (so now). So not only had they took one of my tubes, i had lost one baby and was now going to lose a second. Felt like my heart had just been ripped out for the second time. Had the injection and went home, bloods on the 4th day, nausea for a week and bloods on the 7th day, my HCG was dropping. Back every week then for bloods to monitor the drop in the HCG. I’m still ongoing with my bloods as my HCG has not yet dropped below 15 for them to be able to discharge me. I’m due back to work on the 17th. I don’t think I’m ready, mentally, how do you process something that is still on going ? I haven’t yet had a break from investigations or treatment. How do i go back to a gynae ward? I can’t even go and pretend i am okay because everyone there knows what has happened. How can i go into work and avoid the ‘sympathy look’? How can i hold someone else’s hand who is going through the same thing and comfort them knowing how empty they will feel after treatment? How do i take a patient down to theatre knowing how broken they will feel when they wake up and their baby and possibly their tube will be gone and there is nothing they or i can do about it? How do i go back to work when i am so broken, lost and angry at the world. All that is going through my head is, why me? Why my baby? What have i done to deserve this? Why are they pregnant and I’m not? I have gone from being so upset all the time to being angry all the time. Please tell me I’m not alone. please tell me i am meant to feel like this. My husband, mother and close friends have been absolutely amazing and so supportive but they don’t know what I’m going through mentally, the pain and heartache, guilt and emptiness i constantly feel. Will these feeling every get better ? Or go away? I feel like the only reason i am still functioning is because i have to for my son. Before all this my husband an i were talking about trying for another baby. I am only in my twenties, i still want another baby, even more so now but i don’t think i could survive another ectopic or possibly miscarriage, but i also don’t want this to stop me from trying for another. I’m scared. Will things even be close to normal again?