Dear Julian,
When I first found out the news about you I was very surprised. Not upset or unhappy. Just surprised because it was quite the miracle that you were ever concieved. I remember taking several tests just to be sure because I couldn’t believe it. Must have taken about seven or eight of them, lol. After the reality hit me I was very happy. It didn’t matter where you came from because it was out of love on my part. I was just glad you were coming and I knew from the first moment that I would keep you if God permitted. I kind of wanted you to be a girl at first but I always knew what you were from day one. That’s why I had your name from day one and couldn’t think of any girls names cause I knew you just weren’t a girl at all. Julian. That was the very first name that came to mind and I never bothered thinking of anything else because it was just for you.
As you were growing inside me all I could think about was how nice it was going to be to finally meet you. I dreamed about what you would look like and things we would do. I laughed as I thought about how wild and crazy a temper you’d have being that you came from two temperamental people. I couldn’t wait till you got a little bigger so I could feel your kicks and movements. I just wanted the nine months to go by so fast so that I could have you in my arms. I didn’t care that you would be another son and I didn’t care who liked it or not. You were my baby and you were going to be in this world and I was going to give you the best life I could possibly give you no matter what I had to do to achieve that.
I still don’t know what went wrong with your journey inside me. I often wonder if it was something I did wrong that made my body not be able to push you along just a few more inches. Or maybe you just didn’t have the energy to move on any farther. Maybe you lost your way. Or maybe you just did not want to be here. I don’t know what went wrong but for the first time in my life I now know just how important a few inches are cause a few inches were what caused me to lose you.
I’m very sad over this few inches and the powerless feeling that I felt when they told me I would die if you weren’t removed from me quickly. That was the last thing I wanted to happen. I wanted them to save you or find some kind of way to just move you a few inches so I could continue to give you life. Unfortunately this was impossible.
I would have rather died and had you live but I didn’t even get that option. It was either you or me and you who had to go and while I wouldn’t have minded going to heaven with you…I had to stay and take care of your brothers. So I hope you understand that i did love you but I couldn’t be with you and I think about you every day and will never forget about you. Maybe I will get to meet you one day in heaven. For now I just wanted to say I love you and I will keep you in my heart at all times.
Love,
Mommy